This Funny Week in Funny Tweets: August 21, 2020
August 14
in every relationship one persons a chef and one person has IBS
— Your Next Employee (@unclesshane) August 15, 2020
"i'm screaming" -46 year old journalist quoting a tiktok being reposted by a 44 year old journalist
— food truck drove away with my debit card (@fart) August 15, 2020
when I'm making plans:
— Niccole Thurman (@niccolethurman) August 14, 2020
"I'm down" - yes
"I'd be down" - I'm not down, but if I must be down I will be.
Sorry I didn't text you back, my old heist crew used emotional leverage to draw me into a big heist after I had already said I was done doing heists lol
— michael timlin (@MichaelTimlin) August 15, 2020
Customers are bad. I'm sorry for ever being a customer
— jz (@mixedgrass) August 14, 2020
Many people have been using quarantine as a time to perfect their bread or coffee making skills, but I personally have taken this as an opportunity to make increasingly unsettling eggs pic.twitter.com/7mefhS5ffB
— Anna Hughes (@AnnaGHughes) August 14, 2020
August 15
mommy can't play right now she has to go on a pensive walk and listen to her songs
— charlie roebuck (@eggshellfriend) August 15, 2020
Big congratulations to drugs for winning the War on Drugs.
— Gritty Get Litty 🌹 (@HexagonalBear) August 15, 2020
The Lincoln Project finally gives us an answer to the question "What if FuckJerry was run by the people who created ICE?" https://t.co/1hiRMy1cMN
— Zach Dunn (@zachbdunn) August 15, 2020
I just opened my front door and heard one of my neighbors yell at another one, "They're LESBIANS! I'm pretty sure they know what days the trash is supposed to go out!" which is not a stereotype I knew existed but honestly I don't mind it.
— Heather Hogan (@theheatherhogan) August 16, 2020
i love the "silent majority" concept because trump supporters have never been the majority, and they are physically incapable of shutting the fuck up.
— hasanabi (@hasanthehun) August 15, 2020
August 16
Stealing from creators is a nonpartisan crime @ProjectLincoln. pic.twitter.com/7ps0mHvuhh
— Brandy Zadrozny (@BrandyZadrozny) August 16, 2020
I CANT STOPLAUGHIINFGNGH pic.twitter.com/dLD3wzKvPR
— cloud ♡'s akechi (@JlNSUKE) August 16, 2020
I just found out that they always put bras on dead women????
— Marissa Louise (@marissadraws) August 16, 2020
IF ONE OF YOU MFERS PUTS A BRA ON MY CORPSE I'M HAUNTING YOU FOR EVER WITH THESE FREE ASS TITTIES! I will not go to my grave like that!
My kid's school expects him to be at the computer 8am-3pm, camera on, in uniform, no beds, couches, or "clutter"
— Jeffemy Jerrress (@kranzman) August 17, 2020
Yeah, uh, we'll see about that
There are only 3 kinds of animals: pic.twitter.com/XG1ni4Z2N6
— glasses jacket shirt man (@bust2nut) August 16, 2020
if you text me "we need to talk" i'm gonna reply "yes we do" now we both stressed
— T'A (@tfcarter09) August 16, 2020
August 17
I mean, gentrification is absolutely an architectural style—you know exactly what a gentrification building looks like
— John Manuel Arias (@johnmanuelarias) August 17, 2020
This COVID shit lasting like a Honda Civic
— p (@_lickks) August 18, 2020
this is my impression of what i do to avoid the knife i dropped pic.twitter.com/gKwwEAzQAP
— KP Parker (@kpifthatscool) August 17, 2020
Good sportsmanship by Luka Doncic to acknowledge the opponent after the loss pic.twitter.com/XH5Riy3vVv
— Saad Yousuf (@SaadYousuf126) August 18, 2020
dnc night 1 was great!!!! pic.twitter.com/Ln9Q7N4xIb
— manny (@mannyfidel) August 18, 2020
MAN: i'm leaving you
— Rads (@FeelingEuphoric) August 17, 2020
WOMAN: is this about the hokey pokey again
MAN: *clenching fist* that's what it's ALL about
August 18
✨close ur tabs. If it's meant to be, you'll find ur way back✨
— laura flores (@soyeah_imlauraa) August 18, 2020
if I ever have a daughter I will simply not care about her sex life because that's fucking weird
— bad boy (@badboychadhoy) August 19, 2020
white people love referring to protests as "everything going on"
— 🌅 (@blkcollegeteen) August 19, 2020
The 8 yr old just asked why the tooth fairy doesn't just dig up dead people to get teeth.
— Heather (@henmack) August 18, 2020
just a couple of blue check liberals having fun online pic.twitter.com/q7qyfq0y1o
— kylie brakeman (@deadeyebrakeman) August 18, 2020
I tell you what, bringing students into dorms for two weeks, letting them all get good and covidy and then shutting the dorms down and sending them back to their hometowns around the country is a hell of a plan if your university trustees are coronavirus.
— 💀 damned sinker 💀 (@dansinker) August 18, 2020
August 19
the sexual tension between my lighter and my neighbors trump flag
— kate (@kaiteasley) August 19, 2020
This MF is Badass… https://t.co/XkNviHEujo
— ICE T (@FINALLEVEL) August 20, 2020
he has it all but it cost him everything pic.twitter.com/907flOinYh
— jim time (@urvillageidiot) August 19, 2020
ranch hand: have u ever ridden a horse
— thomas (@perfectsweeties) August 19, 2020
me: *riding it like a skateboard* ya
ranch hand: thats not how u rid-
me: *kickflips horse*
ranch hand: holy fuckin shit
August 20
Today in off-prompter vs. on-prompter... pic.twitter.com/TrnxSBO8mR
— The Recount (@therecount) August 20, 2020
It should be noted that this is Trump's *second* campaign manager to be arrested.
— Amanda Carpenter (@amandacarpenter) August 20, 2020
CNN: BANNON INDICTED
— The Daily Show (@TheDailyShow) August 20, 2020
MSNBC: BANNON INDICTED
FOX NEWS: DID BARACK OBAMA USE SECRET CODE LANGUAGE TO ACTIVATE UNDERGROUND BLACK PANTHER CELLS IN CHICAGO LAST NIGHT?